For the past few months, I have been in the preliminary stages of setting up a research design that I will actually delegate come this fall. However, it has been a lot of extra work (think adding an extra 3-credit class to your college load). I have been researching like crazy to find sources for the paper I will write and to offer background information to the research I will eventually delegate. I have been working away at filling out forms and editing those same forms several times over and e-mailing institutions across the country in order to request permission to use their previous collected data in my research. It has been an intimidating process for me, as I never thought I would consider myself a researcher.
I have never had so many edits in a single form/paper ever in my life, but I am so thankful for an advisor who cares enough to call me at 10pm to discuss my research and paper with me and is truly engaged in this project along with me. Perhaps her input means so much to me because I know she cares. It just goes to show that how you reach out to others is by revealing your heart and compassion before you ever offer your experience or knowledge. God's heart is for relationship first, and allowing the growth to come later.
I have discovered this to be true from both perspectives. If I ever expect someone to feel loved by me, it is not as a result of how much I know, but the depth to which I care for them. If I expect to feel loved by someone else, it is because they first showed me how much compassion they had for me. The knowledge and input and conviction all comes later.
This is not exactly and epiphany moment for me, but instead a great convicting reminder that I am not called to shove information down someone's throat, nor am I obligated to only seek out information and knowledge from God. He wants me to seek HIM and His kingdom first, not His knowledge (though this is a healthy thing to seek after as long as the healthy, growing relationship is there)!
Although I have much yet to learn, maybe it is time I took a step back to allow the compassion of God's heart to find me again. Be still and know that He is God, right? I find myself wandering back to this verse more often than not, and I cannot help but think that God wants me close. He wants me to gain knowledge and wisdom, but without understanding the depths of His love for me and for others, what is knowledge, really?
So today, this is what I find myself thinking about and growing in gratitude for. I am tired of chasing after something that is meaningless aside from God's love and the relationship He always has had planned for me to take a hold of.
The question is, will you drop your busy schedule for the sake of seeking Him? Will you put your mind aside and just let His presence draw you near, feelings or no feelings? Will you go beyond attempting to comprehend Scripture in some new way for Him to reveal something to you in His creation or in your daily life? Don't get too caught up in your calling to miss out on the beautifully mundane moments that God can transform to divine.
Be a willing and open heart today, that your mind might seek Him first, and that He might find you where you are. Be still, and know that He is God. In every moment. All the time. After all, His name is I Am, not I Was or I Will Be. I AM.
